Friday, January 13, 2012

Lunks

So I'm sure many of you have seen this Planet Fitness commercial where an employee is giving this ridiculously muscled man a tour of PF and he is shown the door due to douche-cockery.

Well, I am now a member of said gym and they have a sign over the mirror near the weights declaring PF a "lunk-free" zone. What is a lunk? PF made the word up, and it is intended to refer to those who grunt, drop weights, and judge.

The walls are plastered with images that proclaim PF is a no-judgment zone. And sure, I appreciate it. Doesn't mean we're not all silently judging one another, though. And I've found a few groups of gym-goers to be more annoying than lunks:

1) People Who Don't Read Directions: My favorite room at the gym is the 30 minute Express workout. The room looks like this and is basically a big circle with alternating weight machines and stair steppers. It is my go-to work out and I do it every time I'm at Planet Fitness. There are signs everywhere, including a giant white board at the entrance to the room which reads "EXPRESS WORK OUT ONLY." And yet, the amount of people who completely ignore every single one of these signs baffles me. I HATE HATE HATE when random people jump into the room on random machines, getting in my way, ruining my circuit. Um, hello? If you were paying attention, you would see that according to the NUMBERED SIGNS, the machine you're using is next in my sequence. But now I'm forced to skip over it because you, who haven't already been sweating your ass off for the last 20 minutes in here, have lumbered in and decided to plop down right where I need to be. Rude.

What bothers me the most about this is that the same exact machines that are in this room are available (2 each) right outside. Seriously?!

2) People Who Don't Clean the Machines: This is a no-brainer. When you work out, you sweat. When you sweat, you excrete dirty oils from you skin. Gross. I hate when people use a machine and then just walk away from it like it never happened. Nuh-uh, bro, I see your moist and sweaty butt cheeks outlined perfectly on the seat you just vacated. And I want to vom.

I have to give PF some credit in the cleanliness department, though. Every time I go in I see employees vacuuming and doing other such maintenance. Not only that, but there are literally more than 10 stations in that place with rolls of paper towels and spray bottles with cleaning solution. It would be a very clean facility if it weren't for its unclean clientele staining the equipment with their nasty bodily secretions.

The bottles are not there for decoration, people. Wipe your shit down when you're done.

3) People Who Squat On the Equipment So They Can Text or Talk on the Phone: As a rule, I do not take my cell phone with me out onto the gym floor, and if I do, it is only so I can watch something on Netflix while I work out. Which is why it drives me NUTS when I see people (usually teeny boppers) lounging around on machines or weight stations texting their little hearts out or chatting away as if they're sitting on a couch. You're at the gym to work out. So work out or go home and sit on your actual couch if you want to chat w/ your bff.

4) New Years Gym Members: I avoided the gym like the plague the week after New Years. The parking lot and gym were so overrun with people determined to shed their holiday weight that it was overwhelming. And annoying. Even though I only joined the gym three months ago, I had gotten into a really great routine. I get out of work at 4:15, which is pretty early for a standard work day, and so normally the gym is nearly empty when I go. Nowadays it is buzzing with activity and you have to fight rabid soccer moms with fanny packs and fupas for 30 minutes on the elliptical.

Let's just be honest: if you didn't work out before the New Year, chances are you won't be working out by the end of the year, either. This isn't to say that no one ever makes good on their resolution, but incorporating a regular gym routine into your lifestyle requires a certain devotion that most people just don't have in them. And while they're wasting their money and time pretending that they're actually going to do something about their muffin top, they're also keeping people like me - who do genuinely make an effort - from getting parking spaces or being able to keep up the routine we had already developed.

In conclusion, maybe I'm the asshole here, but I'm being realistic. More than 80% of those people will stop going by the end of the year, if not more and sooner.

5) People Who "Can't" Put Their Arms Down: you know the dude. The one who walks with a swagger like he owns the place. The one who is completely delusional in believing that his muscles are so large that he cannot lower his arms to his sides. You are not cool, bro. You look like a straight up douche.

6a) People Who Make Up Their Own Parking Spaces: I get it. It's winter and it's cold and you are a lazy American. But seriously, if you are going to the gym, you can spare the few extra calories to park in a real space and walk to the door like the rest of us, rather than making your own space on the grass or behind another car or making your own row along the driveway to the place.

6b) People Who Park in the Handicapped Spaces: If you are at the gym, you are most likely not in need of a Handicapped Parking Sticker (unless you are going for physical therapy purposes). Therefore, you are most likely one of two types of assholes: the one who stole a handicapped parking sticker from someone else because you want the privilege of primo parking or someone who received a handicapped parking sticker by lying about your abilities. Either way, shame on you.

There are many other kinds of assholes at the gym and I'm probably one of them in some way or another. What it comes down to in the end is that working out is about you. It is about improving yourself and it has nothing to do with anyone else. You wanna walk on the treadmill at a pace of .03? I might want to shake you and scream "WHY GOD WHY?" because I think that walking that slow is absurd and useless, but you're trying, I guess... So go for it, knock yourself out. Try not to lose your breath.

The one thing I truly believe is that you can't really judge anyone when they're at the gym. Because they're at the gym. So regardless of whether they're morbidly obese or anorexically thin, they are, at that moment, attempting to make their bodies better. And I can't hate on that because I'm doing the same exact thing.

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