Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Day 66: so close, yet so far

After breaking my personal record x2 yesterday, I was pretty excited to get back on the road today. I knew it wasn't going to be nearly as victorious when I took off on my first loop and could already feel my muscles mumble a protest. But I decided to push through it.

I ended up completing three laps and then also going down to the Dell and cruising a little bit.

A few thoughts crossed my mind as I tooled the ring:

a) Why is it still so damn hot at 10 pm?

b) Should I invest in a windshield for my self? - as beetles ricocheted off my arm, my face, my leg, my chest. Unpleasant.

c) Why is my bike squeaking a bit? Does it need oil? [and honestly, I don't know the first thing about basic mechanics. I wouldn't even know where to put the damn stuff if I had any]

d) Can the hockey players hear Enrique Iglesias crooning "I like it" from my external speakers as i speed past them? God, i hope not.

e) Will my body ever look the way it feels? God, I hope so.

I made a list of summer goals for myself and the top three things on it were: lose 20 pounds, be able to run a 5k (3.2 miles) and do something active everyday.

So far, the only thing I've successfully been able to accomplish is to do something active every day. And you would think the rest would follow suit. But no.

I do realize that I am hyper-critical of myself. But dammit, body! I just want you to look better! It's so disheartening. I mean, I've been working my tail off for the last 66 days and I can't really see any visual results. Granted, I also can't remember what I looked like 66 days prior to this. And you know why? Because I always look the same!!!!!!

The one thing I wanted from this summer was to go back to school in the fall and have people say to me "Wow, you look really good! Did you lose a lot of weight?" and for me to smugly reply that I had, indeed lost 20 pounds. But i'm not even close to being able to say that. Nor would anyone really notice a difference in my body if even I can't.

I'm sorry I'm a big whiny self-conscious basket case, but I just don't understand why my body isn't responding. I mean, I feel fit. I'm pretty positive I am fit. But I want to look it. I want to see it. And I don't think that's unreasonable.

1 comment:

  1. Megan- Keep in mind that fat weighs more than muscle, and with all this exercising you're doing I'm sure you're turning any body fat you have/had into rock solidness. So just because the numbers may not show that you're losing "weight", you're definitely losing fat (not that you had that much to lose in the first place!). Also, you look at yourself everyday, so you won't notice any changes, but I'm sure everyone else will. Keep it up! -Jess

    ReplyDelete